


What Happened

by EmieB123



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Multi, and enjolras has given up, everything is courfs fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-27
Packaged: 2017-12-15 10:39:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/848571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmieB123/pseuds/EmieB123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I come home to find everyone unconscious, Joly  wearing nothing but a bowl on his head, my fiance missing and a snake in the bathtub. What. Happened."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Les Mis fic and I hope I didn't completely butcher the characters.
> 
> So a random prompt generator gave me this prompt: Story must have a snake in it. Must have a bowl appear in the middle. A character will do the laundry. A character is questioning throughout most of the story. During the story, a character discovers an item they thought they had lost.  
> And this happened.

"So what happened?" Enjolras handed Combeferre his coffee.

"Ask Courf, he's the one who planned it" Combeferre waved him away.

Enjolras sighed and turned to Courfeyrac, who tried to hide behind Jehan. "I did nothing," he squeaked from behind Prouvaire. 

Enjolras glared at him "I come home to find everyone unconscious, Joly wearing nothing but a bowl on his head, my fiance missing and a snake in the bathtub. What. Happened."

"Well, um, you see, uh" Courfeyrac stammered

Enjolras sat down on the couch, narrowly missing Bahorel, and dropped his head into his hands. "Where's Grantaire?"

"The thing is," he glanced at Combeferre, "We'renotreallysurewhereRispleasedon'tkillme" he ducked behind the couch this time, his boyfriend/favorite shield having stumbled into the kitchen for a much needed coffee.

"I'm not going to kill you" Enjolras sighed.

"Really?" Courf peeked over the couch hopefully.

"No." Enjolras fixed his most terrifying glare on him "I'm going to make your life a living hell until you find him". Courf flinched. "Then I'm going to kill you". 

He fell back behind the couch, yelling for Prouvaire to "Save him from the marble monster". 

Jehan walked in glaring at Courf. "Why are you yelling," he complained, curling up beside Enjolras on the couch "How are you not hungover?"

Courf popped up grinning "I'm magic, that's how" he kissed the top of his head, cheerfully ignoring his boyfriends grumbling.

Enjolras groaned and let his head drop onto the coffee table, ignoring Feuilly snoring on the same table. 

"Don't worry Enj, give me a minute to wake up then we'll go find him" Jehan rubbed his back soothingly. 

"Thank you" Enjolras mumbled.

"We should probably wake everyone up" Combeferre said from the kitchen.

Courfeyrac grinned gleefully "Please record when you wake up Joly. Wait! Before you do just let me get a picture."

................................................................................................................................................

They really should've recorded it, it was one of Joly's crowning moments. Enjolras had found him passed out on the kitchen floor- completely nude except for a wooden bowl covering half his head. Enjolras had covered him with a blanket, but couldn't bring himself to remove the bowl.

They woke Bossuet first, there was no way they were dealing with the hungover and most likely panicked hypochondriac without his boyfriend there to help calm him down. 

Bossuet gently shook Joly awake. "Legle?"Joly blinked, then shook his head, dislodging the bowl. "What was- wait, where are my clothes?" his voice rose shrilly. "Why does my head hurt? Oh my god what if I have a tumour?"

"Shh it's okay babe calm down" Bossuet tried to keep the massive grin off his face..

"What happenned last night?" he groaned "What did Courf do?"

Bossuet grinned and helped him to his feet "No idea. You go clean up in the bathroom, I'll try and find your clothes"

Joly nodded and shuffled towards the bathroom, clutching the blanket around himself and muttering darkly "If that bastard gave me anything I'll kill him, I swear"

Enjolras followed Bossuet into the living room where Combeferre was trying to shake Bahorel awake. "Fuck off 'Ferre" he mumbled into his pillow.

"There's coffee in the kitchen, I recomend you get off your ass and get some before I dump it on your head" Enjolras was done with pandering to his idiot friends

"You are a horrible person, really, a monster. I feel sorry for 'Taire." Bahorel moaned as he dragged himself into the kitchen.

"MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE FLYING FUCK" Joly burst out of the bathroom and promptly tripped over Marius, who was curled up in front of the door.

Combeferre shot Enjolras a look "You didn't tell him about the snake?"

"THAT IS INCREDIBLY UNSANITARY" 

................................................................................................................................................

Once everyone was awake and seated around the living room with coffee (and in Feuilly's case a cigarette by the window) Enjolras began his interrogation.

"What the fuck did you guys do?"

Bahorel grinned, Marius blushed and stared at the wall, Joly was examining his hands ("Huh maybe I should wash them again, just to be safe, you know" "Sit down" "Yessir"), and Combeferre just quietly sipped at his coffee.

"Where's Courf and Jehan?" Eponine broke the tense silence, "It was Courf's idea, he should have to explain all of this. You should check the bedrooms, Courfeyrac's like half-rabbit with his libido"

"Courfeyrac and Jehan are out looking for Grantaire, who you apparently lost sometime last night." 

"Well shit." Bahorel summed up everyone's thoughts. 

"Yeah, shit. And I swear if someone doesn't explain in the next 5 minutes I will take this remote and shove it so far up your ass my hand'll come out your mouth." Enolras was done with being patient.

"Well if you're offering..." Bahorel smirked.

Enjolras groaned. "Feuilly, you might be the only sane person in the room, for your love of Poland, what happened."

Feuilly grinned and put out his cigarette. "Courf brought us bar hopping" as if that explained anything. Well it kinda did, Courf knew some weird-ass bars.

"And?"

"And what? We got drunk and you woke us up here"

Enjolras let out a pained noise and slowly slid off the couch to sprawl on the floor.

"Did we just . . . break Enjolras?" Marius asked timidly.

Enjolras didn't bother to respond, choosing to simply give them all the finger and pretend this wasn't his life.


	2. The Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courf and Jehan search for Grantaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really horrible at writing smutt and I did this in a hurry so yeah...

"So where do you want to start looking." Courfeyrac shut the door to Enjolras' apartment and pulled Jehan behind him.

"How about a coffee shop." Jehan yawned.

"But you've already had coffee" Courf whined.

"Shit coffee. Horrible. Not worthy of calling itself coffee."

"Fine." Courf gave in "But only because you look so adorable."

................................................................................................................................................

Ten minutes later they were seated in Jehans favorite coffeeshop, Jehan sipping at his coffee and thumbing through his favorite poetry book and Courfeyrac already having downed half his hot chocolate was people watching. Well, watching Jehan.

"I can feel you staring." 

"Well can you blame me?" Courf grinned at him.

Jehan rolled his eyes and went back to his reading. 

"Well I'd love to sit here and stare at my plucky poet all the live long day but if we don't find R, Enjolras will kill us. Literally hunt us down, with knives, and kill us." 

Jehan marked his place in his book, "I'm sure R's fine. He probably did something stupid and is hiding from Enjolras."

"True. Still, we should at least try and call him."

"I'm sure Enjolras already tried calling him."

"Well if he's hiding from him, and I really don't blame him the mood E's in, he might not've picked up."

Jehan hummed "You can try"

................................................................................................................................................

"What do you want?" Grantaire picked up on the fourth ring.

"Just checking up on you. Enjolras is having a fit." Courf replied cheerily.

"Really? I wonder why?"

"Well it's nice to know your sarcasm survived the night." Courfeyrac quipped, "Now what stupid thing did you do this time?"

"Who said I did anything stupid?" Grantaire protested.

"Please," Courf snorted, "I know for a fact you were with us all last night, so you are no innocent, and you're hiding from Enjolras."

"I'm not hiding from him! I'm just . . . delaying the inevitable."

"You're hiding." 

"Maybe a little" R gave in.

"Just shoot him a text or something so he knows you're not dead in a gutter somewhere, the guy has enough on his plate without having to worry about you."

"I'll call him." 

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my petite poet who is way too fully dressed for my liking." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Jehan

"Use protection."

"Fuck off" 

................................................................................................................................................

"You. Are. Insufferable." Jehan trailed open-mouthed kisses down Courfeyrac's neck.

"Mm, you love me." Courf tugged him up to kiss him properly.

"God knows why." Jehan's happy sigh quickly turned into a moan when Courf slipped his hand down the front of his pants to palm his cock. 

Courf grinned mischieviously "Could that be why?"

Jehan didn't bother answering, choosing instead to push the way-too happy looking man against the wall, perhaps a little rougher than necessary, and crash their lips together. 

"Feeling frisky today, are we?" Courf gasped as Jehan dropped to his knees and pulled down his jeans in one fluid motion. He groaned and tangled his fingers in strawberry-blond hair as Jehan mouthed his cock through his boxers.

Just as Jehan was pulling them down with his teeth (the teasing bastard), Courf's phone started blaring 'Toxic'.

"That is the least sexy ringtone I've ever heard." Jehan rested his head on Courf's thigh.

"Don't you dare answer that." Courf gently tugged his hair.

"It might be something important."

"Bullshit." Courf whined.

"Hush" Jehan stood up and kissed him chastely "If you're good we can continue this later."

"Promise?" Courf rolled his hips against Jehan's.

"Mm" He kissed him again before escaping the bedroom. 

................................................................................................................................................

"Joly I swear if you're calling because Bossuet coughed on you again-"

"No, no" Joly squeaked.

"Wait, were you and Courf having sex?" Bahorel. Joly must've put it on speakerphone.

"Yes." Courf strolled out of the bedroom "Well, we were about to until this very annoying interruption."

"DUDE! You're supposed to be looking for Grantaire!"

"R is fine. He's just in hiding." 

"Well tell him to get his ass out of hiding, Enjolras is having a conniption! He went into 'Ferre's bedroom a quarter of an hour ago and won't come out."

"Great. We'll call him. Be over in 10." Jehan hung up and dialed Grantaire's number.

"What do you mean 'Be over in 10'?" Courfeyrac glared at him.

"It means, until we fix Enjolras, no sex."

"What? Why!" 

"Because you got us into all this. Now get dressed."

"I've been betrayed" Courf dramatically collapsed on the bed.

................................................................................................................................................

"Call your fucking boyfriend."

"Fiance, technically."

"I don't care, but it's interfering with my sex life now so man up and call him."


	3. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire calls Enjolras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is really short but I already have the next chapter written and will post it tomorrow.

"Where the fuck are you?" Enjolras growled into his phone.

"Well good morning to you too" Grantaire's cheery voice was a stark contrast to Enjolras' black mood.

"It's a horrible morning. Where are you?" Enjolras repeated.

"Aren't we feeling chipper. I'm at Cossette's"

"Right. Be there soon."

"Wait-" Grantaire tried to protest but Enjolras had already hung up.

................................................................................................................................................  
"Shit." He muttered, looking at his phone.

"What's wrong?" Cossette perched on the dryer with her yogurt.

"He's coming over."

"Oh, joy."

................................................................................................................................................

"Courf's on his way." Joly yelled as Enjolras finally emerged from Combeferre's room.

"Don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't do anything." Enjolras made a run for the door, barely registering Combeferre and Eponine's abscence. "And don't touch anything!" he yelled as he slammed the door.


	4. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Combeferre and Eponine talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but the next is longer I promise!

"We need to talk" Combeferre finally caught Eponine alone, making a coffee run.

"No we don't." she tried to push past him and scowled when he blocked the doorway.

"Yes," Combeferre crossed his arms "we do."

"About what?" she put the coffees down and leaned on the counter, "We were drunk, I kissed you, not much to talk about."

"Then why are you avoiding me?" He stared her down.

"Look, it was a mistake, it meant nothing." She wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Bullshit."

That got her attention- Combeferre never cursed. She raised an eyebrow and Combeferre sighed and leaned against the door. "It didn't mean nothing to me" he said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

When he looked at her, she was staring at her hands, white-knuckled gripping the counter. 

He moved to stand beside her, gently prying her hands from their death-grip and taking them in his own. 

"And it didn't mean nothing to you."

"Say's who?" She stared at him defiantly but made no attempt to pull away.

"Your pulse is racing, your pupils are dilated-" He was cut off by Eponine reaching up and kissing him tentatively. 

"Shut up." she murmured, pulling back.

He chose to comply, pulling her back with a hand tangled in her hair and his heart feeling like it was about to burst.


	5. The Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras and Grantaire talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how long this is going to end up but I have the next 2 chapters written so...  
> (I'm also going back and editing previous chapters, mostly just spacing stuff)

"Grantaire?" Enjolras let himself into Cossette's apartment.

"We're in here" he heard Cossette call from what sounded like the laundry room.

"Enjy!" Grantaire turned to grin at him "And how are you this fine morning?"

"Oh you know, the usual, all our friends crashed at our place and left a large snake in the bathtub and I'm considering putting Courf on a leash permanently."

Grantaire nodded "Wise decision"

"What are you doing" Enjolras walked over, placing a hand on his lovers back.

"Laundry" Grantaire admitted sheepishly.

"What did you do?" Grantaire never did chores unless he and Enjolras were fighting.

"Nothing!" Grantaire protested, "Can't a guy do his laundry without being accused of commiting a heinous crime, sheesh".

"You didn't commit any heinous crimes did you?"

"No! No, I just, uh, I got a tattoo." The last part was too mumbled for Enjolras to make out.  
"What?"

"I might have, gotten a little, tiny really, tattoo."

"Right. Okay. What is it?" Really, nothing could surprise Enjolras anymore.

"You're not mad" Grantaire blinked at him.

"No. Well if you got somthing stupid, like 'yolo' permanently tattooed onto your dick, we'll have to talk, but no I'm not mad. I trust your judgement."

"Oh, okay, good" Grantaire still looked a little worried so Enjolras took the opurtunity to pull him in for a kiss.

When he finally released him he prompted "Well, let's see it."

"Right, yeah" Grantaire pulled off his shirt and turned to show Enjolras the artfully done "I am wild" on his right shoulder.

Enjolras brushed it lightly with his fingertips and started laughing. Couldn't stop laughing. Grantaire looked back and cracked a grin before dissolving into his own fits of laughter.

They didn't stop until they were both seated on the floor, hand in hand, wiping tears from their eyes. 

"You bastard" Enjolras rested his head on Grantaire's shoulder.

"You love me" Grantaire responded smugly

"Unfortunately enough to want to marry you. What was I thinking?" 

"That I have a hot bod and charming personality"

"Hm, half right. You are something, but charming is not it"

"Well as sickeningly adorable as this has been," Cossette hopped off the top of the dryer where she'd been perched "I have to ask: Why did Grantaire's new tattoo send both of you into hysterics?"

"You tell her" Enjolras nudged Grantaire.

"Okay" Grantaire grinned "Well a few weeks ago we were fighting over something stupid-("It was not stupid, you almost got us killed!""Shut up and let me tell the damn story")- and he accused me of being reckless and stupid and various other hurtful names and I may have been a little drunk at the time and said 'I am wild' and he hasn't let me live it down, so here we are."

Cossette giggled "That's adorable".

"Damn right it's adorable" Grantaire agreed.

After a few moments of comfortable silence Cossette piped up "I hate to ask this, really, but what happenned last night?"

"Why? What did they do?" Enjolras sounded defeated.

Cossette tossed him her phone, "Listen to the voicemail."

Enjolras frowned and pressed play "Cossssette!" He recognized Marius' voice "I really love you. Like more that Enjolras loves France. More than Feuilly loves polishland-"

"IT'S POLAND YOU UNWORTHY PIECE OF SHIT" and that was Feuilly.

"STOP YELLING DIPSHITS YOU'RE UPSETTING THE SNAKE" definitely Courfeyrac.

"They're making me hang up but I love you so much, we should get married, hey Cossette will you-"

"NO!" Courfeyrac again.

"Cossette, darling, I apologise about poor Marius here (Fuck off Bahorel), he's had a little too much to drink and is a little occupied being educated by Feuilly on why he should never say the word Polishland again. (Joly what the fuck are you doing? PUT THAT DOWN!) Got to run. Bye!"

"So . . . care to explain?" Cossette raised an eyebrow.

Grantaire was shaking with laughter. Enjolras curled up into a ball and groaned loudly "Why do I let you people out in public?"


	6. The Return of the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courfeyrac and Jehan return to the apartment and minor stuff happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't figure out a good title for this because it was just a bunch of little stuff  
> I tried to work in a LoTR reference but it wasn't working  
> Also I'm about to start working on a longer piece so posting might slow down a bit after tomorrow

"Morning again, bitches!" Courfeyrac burst in, Jehan trailing behind.

"Finally got your pants on, then?" Bahorel looked up from where he had Feuilly in a headlock.

"Unfortunately." Courf sprawled across the couch, and, accordingly, Joly, Bossuet and Marius. "But apparently if I'm good I can take 'em off again." He pulled Jehan from his seat on the arm of the couch to join him.

"You're crushing me!" Marius squeaked.

"No one cares, loverboy!" Corfeyrac sang.

"Courf." Jehan managed to wriggle free and escaped to the armchair. "Smothering Marius is not 'being good'"

Courf shot to his feet. "Sorry, love. Are you going to punish me later?" He asked mischieviously.

"DUDE! TMI!" Bahorel made a face.

Couf ignored Bahorel and jumped into his boyfriends lap. "Well?"

Jehan glanced at Bahorel, fake gagging into Feuilly's hair. "Hmm, we still have those handcuffs we never used."

Courf grinned "The pink fluffy ones?"

"OH MY GOD SHUT UP" 

"Jealous." Courf stuck his tongue out at him.

"I fucking hate you." 

................................................................................................................................................

"You okay Joly?" He had gone to wash his hands in the kitchen but had stumbled out horrified a few seconds later and was now curled up on Bossuet's lap.

"You're all disgusting, horny monsters." He whimpered.

"What else is new." Feuilly was struggling to light a cigarette, still in the headlock. 

"You know if Enjolras catches you smoking in the apartment, he'll kill you." Jehan cautioned, absentmindedly tugging a loose strand of Courf's hair, smiling when it sprang right back into place.

"I'm used to everyone else going at it like rabbits" Joly moaned, "but I thought Combeferre had a shred of decency in him."

Courf fell off the chair "Combeferre! Our little 'Ferre! In the kitchen!" He tripped on Bahorel and Feuilly in his mad scramble to the kitchen and fell through the door.

"Oh, come on, Joly. They're just kissing you old prude!"

"GET OUT!"

"Come on, Ep'-" There was a crash and a yelp from Courfeyrac.

"GOING! I'M GOING!" He ran out, hands covering his head. "Jesus, 'Ponine can throw."

"You deserved it." Jehan rolled his eyes.

Courf grinned "Maybe a bit."

................................................................................................................................................

Combeferre and Eponine came out a few minutes later, Eponine leading a blushing Combeferre by a hand. She pushed at Marius to make room on the couch and sat, tugging Combeferre down with her. 

"So, what did you break?" Feuilly had finally lit his cigarette and struggled out of Bahorel's grip.

Combeferre shifted nervously but Eponine didn't flinch, never breaking her stare at Courfeyrac. "A plate. Which Courfeyrac is going to clean up unless he wants me to force feed him tuna until he explodes then go fishing in his remains."

Courf paled "Combeferre, best of luck to you and your terrifying lady friend, if you need me I'll be in the kitchen, fearing for my life."

"The brooms behind the fridge" Combeferre shouted after him.

A few minutes later they heard a shout of "Jehan, I need you!"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just miss you!" He poked his head out and grinned.

"You're ridiculous." Jehan smiled and followed him into the kitchen. 

"I'm adorable."


	7. The Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire and Enjolras in the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will hopefully be the last

"Why did you leave them alone at the apartment?"

"Combeferre was there, I thought he could handle it!"

Grantaire groaned "Combeferre is probably too busy sorting out his shit with Eponine to babysit."

Enjolras glanced at him "What shit with Eponine?"

"You are so oblivious, it's almost cute." 

Cossette smiled to herself in the backseat. As soon as Grantaire was sure Enjolras wasn't going to kill him, they'd settled back into their usual teasing banter. At least until Enjolras mentioned everyone still at their apartment and it had turned into their familiar bickering.

"Is there any way you could go faster?" Grantaire fidgeted in the passenger seat.

"I'm already at the limit, getting a ticket would slow us down even more."

Grantaire rolled his eyes. "You know, for a revolutionary, you sure do respect the rules."

Enjolras glared at him "You-"

"Watch the road, darling!" Grantaire was unperturbed by the stare that turned most people into shaking, babbling messes.

"Call me darling again and I'll-"

"You'll what?" Enjolras was steadily getting redder and redder in the face, he hated being interrupted "Murder me? Break off the engagement? Don't forget you proposed to me, despite the fact you have numerous times denounced the merits of marriage."

"Well, you certainly weren't going to do it."

"True." Grantaire conceded. He looked as if he was about to go on, but Cossette interrupted.

"R check your phone."

"Um, okay . . . Jesus fucking christ is that . . . Joly?"

"I think so. Courf' just sent it out."

"What is it?" Enjolras questioned, "Did they break anything?"

"No, no, it's from last night. Look." He passed Enjolras his phone at the red light. It was barely recognizable as Joly, dressed only in a speedo with a snake around his neck and a pink tiara and singing into a dirty microphone. The caption said 'The night is dark and full of terrors'.

"How did Courf manage to drag you into a karaoke bar?"

"No idea. But if anyone shows Joly, he'll have a fit."


	8. The Gathering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone convenes at the apartment...until Enjolras kicks them out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be the last! It will (hopefully) be up tomorrow!

Enjolras and Grantaire entered the apartment bickering, as usual. A quick glare and Bahorel and Feuilly were scrambling off the loveseat they had taken over when Courf and Jehan had disappeared into the kitchen. Enjolras sat and Grantaire lay with his feet in his lap. Enjolras made a face and pushed them off, forcing him to sit up.

Combeferre watched with an amused smile on his face; Bahorel rolled his eyes; Joly still had his face buried in Bossuet's neck occasionally letting out a pitiful whimper. Marius was staring at Cossette who had planted herself on his lap as soon as she saw him (raising the count to 6 people somehow squished onto the relatively small couch).

After a few minutes of Enjolras explaining in excruciating detail just how wrong he was, Grantaire got bored. He grabbed Enjolras' jaw and kissed him, nipping at his lower lip. When he pulled back, Enjolras looked at him angrily. Grantaire shrugged and smirked "Really it's the only way to get you to shut up."

He laughed as Enjolras pushed him. 

"It's like you're married already." Combeferre observed. 

Enjolras sighed "If only."

Grantaire grinned and put an arm around him. "Soon." He pecked him on the cheek.

He did a quick headcount and frowned. "Where are Courf and Jehan?" 

Joly whimpered. Bossuet stroked his hair and smiled "They went into the kitchen about 20 minutes ago and, well, you know them . . ."

Grantaire groaned. "I'm going to kill them."

"Not if I do first." Enjolras growled and stalked into the kitchen. "Get your horny little asses into the living room, now."

"Oh come on Enjy, we were just getting started" Courf didn't sound near scared enough considering how murderous Enjolras was feeling.

They heard a yelp and Enjolras came out dragging a shirtless Courfeyrac by an ear. Jehan followed a few moments later, smiling sheepishly and pulling on his oversized jumper. 

"I hate you all." Joly declared. "Do you know how unhygienic that is! People eat in there!"

"To be fair," Grantaire muttered "That is not the worst thing that kitchen has ever seen."

Joly went white as a sheet. "You didn't."

Enjolras buried his head in his hands. "Why. Why would you say that?"

"OH MY GOD, YOU HEATENS! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D-"

"ENOUGH!" Enjolras jumped up. "Courfeyrac, you and Jehan go disinfect the kitchen before Joly has an aneurysm, Bahorel you get rid of that fucking snake and everyone else can either leave or suffer a slow and painful death."

Courf opened his mouth to protest but Jehan dragged him back into the kitchen before he could say a word. 

Bahorel looked into the bathroom and quickly closed the door. "Can Feuilly help with the snake?"

Feuilly looked up "Who says Feuilly wants to help with the snake?"

"I say, now come on." Bahorel grabbed his jacket and pulled him to the bathroom, ignoring the gingers protests.

Everyone else filed out, Combeferre resting a comforting hand on Enjolras' shoulder as he passed and Joly muttering about food contamination.

Grantaire grinned, "I love it when you get all bossy. Well, you're always bossy but angry bossy is best."

Enjolras sighed and scrubbed his face with a hand. "You better go supervise the idiots in the kitchen." He winced at a (very manly, Bahorel would claim later) yelp and crash from down the hall "I've got the ones in the bathroom."

Grantaire pulled Enjolras to his chest and his kissed his hair. "They'll be gone soon. Then we can go to bed, okay?"

Enjolras nodded and sighed "Okay." He whined as Grantaire stood, pulling him up with him. 

"Good luck." Grantaire pushed him towards the bathroom where some very colorful words could be heard with a few crashes and bumps. 

Enjolras took a deep breath, hand on the doorknob. "All right, what the fuck are you idiots doing?" He opened the door. "You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me."


	9. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything gets wrapped up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, whoo! (and the longest)  
> If my Polish is wrong, I apologize, I was relying on the internet and google translate  
> Translations are in the end notes

Feuilly had been knocked into the bathtub, bringing down the shower curtain with him and was struggling to get up. 

“Sukinsyn, gówno, pieprzyć!”

“NOBODY’S IMPRESSED WITH YOUR POLISH CUSSING, GINGER!” Bahorel was standing on the toilet.

“Odpierdol sie, debilu!”

“GET THE FUCK UP AND HELP!”

“Wyliż mi dupe, kozojeb.” Feuilly glared at him, still half-in the tub.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.” They both turned when they heard Enjolras at the door.

Feuilly finally managed to stand (slapping Bahorel in the back of the head and muttering “Mamy przejebane”) and Bahorel grinned sheepishly. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“Really?” Enjolras raised an eyebrow “Because it looks like you’ve destroyed our bathroom.” He glanced around “And where’s the snake?”

“Well,” Feuilly glanced guiltily at Bahorel who took over.

“It was on the shower curtain rod and when this idiot tried to grab it, he fell in the tub and the snake fell on him, and like the big wuss he is- fuck off dipshit (Feuilly had kicked him) -he threw it at me-“

“And he screamed like a girl and jumped on the toilet.” Feuilly cut in with a shit-eating grin. “And the snake kind of . . . disappeared.”

Enjolras sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay. You two find it, I’ll go grab a pillowcase.”

“Why are you getting a pillowcase?” Bahorel questioned “Are we going to give it a nap?”

Enjolras glared at him, “We need something to put it in, unless you’re planning on carrying it around your neck like a scaly scar everywhere. And get off the toilet or I’ll take a picture and send it to everyone on your contact list.”

“But what if it’s-“

“Get. Off.”

“Right. Getting off.” He muttered, carefully climbing down.

................................................................................................................................................

“Alright lovebirds, let’s get this done so I can drag my Apollo into bed.” 

Courf popped up from where he was digging in the fridge “You do know it’s only like 3pm, right?”

Grantaire snorted “Like you two won’t do the same.”

Jehan was sitting cross legged on the counter “So what exactly does ‘disinfect’ include?”

Grantaire shrugged “No idea.”

“You know,” Courf cheerily tossed a carton of strawberries to Jehan, who almost fell trying to catch it, “We could just say we cleaned up . . .”

Grantaire rolled his eyes “Whatever, just don’t tell Joly. Or Enjolras.”

Courf grinned and pulled a tub of ice cream out the fridge, “Awesome.”

“No.”

................................................................................................................................................

“What are you doing with my pillow?”

“Nothing!” Enjolras jumped. “What are you doing back here, aren’t you supposed to be chaperoning the idiots?”

Grantaire shrugged “I got bored.” He raised an eyebrow, “Don’t you have your Thing One and Two to watch?”

Enjolras sighed “Unfortunately. That’s kinda why I need your pillow. Well, pillowcase.”

“And what are you going to do with said pillowcase?”

Enjolras didn’t answer, brushing past Grantaire and heading for the bathroom.

“Okay, I’ve got the pillowcase, did you find the snake?”

“What do you think?” Bahorel looked at him scathingly. Unfortunately it didn’t produce the effect he was probably hoping for, since he had somehow managed to jump onto the sink.

“How did you even get up there?” Grantaire grinned gleefully and snapped a pic on his phone.

“He saw the snake and freaked.” Feuilly was leaning against the wall.

“Delete that picture, now.” Bahorel growled, trying his best to look menacing.

“Not a chance.” Grantaire smirked.

“So where’s the snake?” Enjolras just wanted this over.

“Behind the toilet.”

“Great.” He muttered “And I’m assuming I’ll be the one to get it?”

He carefully edged forwards, holding the pillowcase in front of him. 

“No,” Grantaire seemed to finally be catching on “Enjolras, you are not putting that thing in my pillowcase!”

“Where else am I supposed to put it?” Enjolras hissed. He looked back and his voice softened “I’ll make it up to you later, yeah?”

“You better.” Grantaire grumbled.

Enjolras took a deep breath and grabbed for the snake, fumbling while he tried to get it in the bag without it escaping or touching him. After a few moments of flailing and not-squealing he got it in the bag and tied it. He turned back to find Grantaire doubled over laughing and Bahorel hiding his eyes.

“Is it gone?”

“Yes.” Enjolras glared at his boyfriend, which only caused him to laugh harder.

“Good.” Bahorel jumped down. “Feuilly, I expect you got that on video?”

“Of course.” He waved his phone and grinned cheerfully

Enjolras turned to him, “You didn’t.”

“Oh, I did.” He smirked

“Delete it.”

“No.”

He managed to duck away as Enjolras lunged for him and made a run for it, laughing. Enjolras cursed and dashed after him.

Grantaire, still chuckling, grabbed the bag Enjolras had dropped. “Do you think he’ll catch him?”

“No way, the little shit has to be fucking half cheetah or something.” Bahorel’s grin suddenly disappeared and he cursed, fumbling for his phone.

“What’s wrong?” 

“That asshole was my ride.” He dialed Feuilly’s number. “WHAT THE FUCK MAN!”

Grantaire left him to yelling at his phone and walked back to the kitchen, absentmindedly swinging the bag.

“You kids behaving?”

Courf sighed “Unfortunately.” His eyes brightened with curiosity as he saw the bag “What’s that?” He grabbed it from R and started untying it.

“SHIT!” He threw it halfway across the kitchen and Grantaire dived after it, barely managing to catch it.

“WHY DID YOU THROW IT?”

“WHY WAS THE FUCKING SNAKE IN THERE?”

They were interrupted by Bahorel walking in, glaring at his phone “Hey Courf can I catch a ride with you?”

“Yeah, sure. But why can’t you go with Feuilly?” 

Bahorel was spared answering by Enjolras slamming the door “He got away.” 

“Ah, that’s why.”

“Are you two done in here?” Enjolras was red faced and scowling.

“Yep”

“Good. Now get out.” Enjolras started pushing their friends towards the door. He caught sight of the snake bag in Grantaire’s hands and took it, shoving it onto Courf. “And take this.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?” He protested. Enjolras glared at him. His face brightened “Ooh, Bahorel, want to get revenge on Feuilly?” 

“I’m listening” Their voices faded as Enjolras shut the door behind them. 

“Is that everyone?” He leaned against the door tiredly. 

“I think so.” 

“You sure? Did you check under the couch?”

Grantaire chuckled and pulled Enjolras to his chest, feeling the other man relax into his embrace. “Next time let’s just call an exterminator.” 

“Agreed.” Enjolras nuzzled his neck.

They stayed like that for a few moments, enjoying the quiet of an empty apartment before the door opened. 

“So, Enjolras, about your bachelor party . . .” Grantaire felt him tense against him

“Get. Out.” He ground out, his voice deadly cold.

“Right-O” Courf disappeared and they could hear the faint sounds of laughter from the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Sukinsyn, gówno, pieprzyć!”--Son of a bitch, shit, fuck  
> “Odpierdol sie, debilu!”-- Fuck off, moron  
> “Wyliż mi dupe, kozojeb.” --Lick my ass, goatfucker  
> “Mamy przejebane”--We're fucked
> 
> Again I'm sorry if it's wrong, I'm not a native speaker (or a speaker at all, god bless the internet)
> 
> My tumblr is andwhatdowesaytodeath.tumblr.com


End file.
